A Little Bit of Everything

Thursday is my weigh-in day. It’s a solemn experience. Just me in a small half-bath. Alone. With a scale.

These days can be anything. They can happy. Disappointing. Sad. Angry. Frustrating.

Today was a little bit of everything.

No gain. No loss. Just the same. The status quo.

In years past, I doubt I would have taken that very well. In fact, I know wouldn’t have. It would have sent me spinning in all directions. A self-loathing spectacle not to be missed.

Not saying that I’m better than that now. Because, if I’m being honest, which I have been, I would tell you that the first thing that popped into my mind was “fuck it, just go to Wendy’s and get a bacon deluxe combo before work. You can kick it into gear tomorrow.”

And I did think that. And I contemplated it.

Not just the act, but rather the emotion behind it.

We all have images that others have developed for us in our past. There’s a picture that people around you have indelibly etched.

I was the object of bullying all throughout my schooling. It was relentless. From many different people, and many different places. The picture that had been painted for me, was not one that anyone would want.

The words attached to that image included, but were not limited to: stupid, fat, ugly, useless, loser, etc. etc. The list goes on and on.

That image has stayed with me for over 37 years. This is an external image. One that has been imposed upon me. And not based in any kind of reality. The day I realized where the image I have of myself came from was the day that I first began to think that I could do what I’m doing now.

I began letting go of all the negative crap. I became happier with who I was, where I was, and what I was. It wasn’t immediate, and it’s certainly far from complete. I still have plenty of hang-ups about myself. But, they are becoming fewer and fewer by the day.

This imposed image impacts many people. And for those like me out there, we spend so much time trying to fulfill that negative ideal of who we are, that we lose site of the truth.

The picture that was drawn from the external forces around me is not real. But it is powerful. And it is ever present. My job has been to redraw myself to a more accurate likeness. To build myself over again. To define me.

So whenever these thoughts of “dude, you should go get a burger right about now, you’re not losing any weight” pop up. I find a way to acknowledge it, and then dismiss it. And focus on who I really am.

That’s not to say I’m happy about not losing weight. Cause, trust me, I’m not. But it’s one week out of a long journey. And next week will be better.

I’m learning as I go that weight is just one piece of the puzzle. And true health comes from much more than fruits and veg.

5 thoughts on “A Little Bit of Everything

  1. Your on the right path,and you are seeing that it will be a long road to reach your journey,but in the end,you will be so glad,that you chose this route,I have no doubt in my mind that you will reach your destination,your doing great!

  2. I soo understand and relate to you dave. That first step is such a difficult one. Like you I have heard all those names as well. One that hurts the most is useless. But I am on week 2 and I just read a mention of your blog on CBC. Hang in there,,,,if you fail one day …tomorrow is a new day…..make small steps each day to make that one a better one.

    Hopefully this winter freeze will be over soon and walk the streets safely again.

    1. I’m doing my best not to fall. I’ve gotten to a point now where I’m not necessarily afraid of failing anymore. This is the new normal, I guess… kind of cliche, but true.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s