Thursday is my weigh-in day. It’s a solemn experience. Just me in a small half-bath. Alone. With a scale.
These days can be anything. They can happy. Disappointing. Sad. Angry. Frustrating.
Today was a little bit of everything.
No gain. No loss. Just the same. The status quo.
In years past, I doubt I would have taken that very well. In fact, I know wouldn’t have. It would have sent me spinning in all directions. A self-loathing spectacle not to be missed.
Not saying that I’m better than that now. Because, if I’m being honest, which I have been, I would tell you that the first thing that popped into my mind was “fuck it, just go to Wendy’s and get a bacon deluxe combo before work. You can kick it into gear tomorrow.”
And I did think that. And I contemplated it.
Not just the act, but rather the emotion behind it.
We all have images that others have developed for us in our past. There’s a picture that people around you have indelibly etched.
I was the object of bullying all throughout my schooling. It was relentless. From many different people, and many different places. The picture that had been painted for me, was not one that anyone would want.
The words attached to that image included, but were not limited to: stupid, fat, ugly, useless, loser, etc. etc. The list goes on and on.
That image has stayed with me for over 37 years. This is an external image. One that has been imposed upon me. And not based in any kind of reality. The day I realized where the image I have of myself came from was the day that I first began to think that I could do what I’m doing now.
I began letting go of all the negative crap. I became happier with who I was, where I was, and what I was. It wasn’t immediate, and it’s certainly far from complete. I still have plenty of hang-ups about myself. But, they are becoming fewer and fewer by the day.
This imposed image impacts many people. And for those like me out there, we spend so much time trying to fulfill that negative ideal of who we are, that we lose site of the truth.
The picture that was drawn from the external forces around me is not real. But it is powerful. And it is ever present. My job has been to redraw myself to a more accurate likeness. To build myself over again. To define me.
So whenever these thoughts of “dude, you should go get a burger right about now, you’re not losing any weight” pop up. I find a way to acknowledge it, and then dismiss it. And focus on who I really am.
That’s not to say I’m happy about not losing weight. Cause, trust me, I’m not. But it’s one week out of a long journey. And next week will be better.
I’m learning as I go that weight is just one piece of the puzzle. And true health comes from much more than fruits and veg.