There are days when I think back to when I was a kid, and I shake my head at the fact that there was a clothing size called “husky.”
“That’s my boy, he’s husky,” Mothers would announce proudly to the attendant at Zellers or K-Mart.
“That’s my boy, he’s an overweight mongrel K9.”
I mean why not just name it “fatty.”
“Yes, those cords are quite lovely, do you have them in fatty?”
Husky? You’ve got to be kidding me. Who comes up with this stuff?
I can picture them all in the think tank now at Sears somewhere. “We need something that is both going to marginalize and embarrass. Anyone have any suggestions? You there, the drunk hobo in the corner huffing solvents.”
“Perfect! Now get out, you’re stinking up the conference room!”
I think that may have started my lack of comfort in picking out clothes.
People often identify this as a “woman problem.” But dude, it isn’t. Trust me.
I would rather swallow hot coals like Porcia Catonis from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, than buy clothes in a store. Mainly because, I’ve got one store I can go to. And it’s serviced by skinny dudes in suits.
I don’t want to buy XXXL shirts from a skinny dude in a suit. I really don’t. A skinny dude in a suit has no idea about the psychology of a big guy trying to buy things that make him look “normal.”
On top of all that, there are very few options if you’re a big guy wanting to get a shirt. I hope you like stripes or plaid, cause that’s what you’re wearing.
What are we all lumberjacks? What am I Paul Bunyan?
I mean sweet Jesus even Andre the Giant had a unitard. Not that I’m looking for one. But sometimes it’s nice to know there’s that option.
So, I order many of the clothes I own online. From either Old Navy or JC Penney.
I went through a phase where I kept buying clothes that were two sizes too small for me, because in my head I thought I was still that size. It’s a mind meld. I don’t know why I did that. But I did. A lot.
As a result, in about four months time, I’m gonna have an awesome wardrobe. It’s all brand new, too.
To conclude, I just want to say that I love Huskies. I do. I just feel as though they should never be used to describe the clothing options for a fat kid.
That is all.