The rising cost of holding on

It didn’t take long in this journey to figure out that the physical weight was only a small part of it all.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to lose the weight, otherwise what the hell am I doing busting my ass everyday?

But, I have baggage.

Everyone does.

Sometimes people have more than others.

And, if I had to guesstimate, I would say that I have more than most.

And throughout this process I’ve let go of a lot of things. I really have.

Just two weeks ago I was proud of walking around in a t-shirt for example. Well, now I’m swimming. In a public pool filled with other self-conscious adults.

Some of my body issues can be traced back to a swimming pool. One summer I went from swimming every day in a pool with my shirt off, to hiding in the corner of the pool with my soaked to my skin.

In fact, after that summer I didn’t swim again until, well… last week.

There’s a bit of a learning curve. I snorted a lot of water. It wasn’t cool.

But, it felt good to stare that little devil in the eye and tell it to “shag off.”

It’s an odd feeling being completely submerged in water. Weightlessness is something that takes time to get used to, especially when you’ve been moving as much weight as I have over the past ten years or so.

I’ve hit the 60lbs mark in weight lost. I still have more to go. Like, a lot more. Realistically 60lbs is about one third of what I need to lose. But I‘m proud of hitting that mark, I earned every bit of it.

The point I’m trying to make here is — baggage has a way of taking all that pride and happiness and contorting it until you can’t even muster a smirk about it all.

It’s a voice that echoes in your ear all the things that forced you down the unhealthy paths that you’ve travelled. It’s a trickster.

It does nothing but add more weight into the equation. And, God knows I’ve got enough of that.

So, this week I’ve decided to let it all go. Every speck of contention I feel about the world, and my placement in it. I’m happy where I am, and with what I’ve become.

And while I know I’ve still got miles ahead of me, I have no doubt the weight will soon be in the rearview.

As for holding onto old baggage?

It hasn’t brought me anything but darkness. And it’s about time I let some fucking light shine in.

Now, where are my sunglasses?

4 thoughts on “The rising cost of holding on

  1. My husband would love to meet you. He is currently battling these same things as you and it blows our minds how similar your stories are. He is about to turn 28 and is slowly on the path of dealing with these inner demons.

    1. Tell him to drop me a line if he would like to chat. You can reach me through the “about me” link at the bottom of the page.

      Also, if you’re not following Michael Moore on FB, I highly recommend it. He’s created a thing where he goes for a walk every day and invites people to walk along side with him. He’s on his own little journey. It’s fun.Thousands of people walk with him every day.

  2. “…baggage has a way of taking all that pride and happiness and contorting it until you can’t even muster a smirk about it all.”

    Jesus that resonates.

    It basically sums up my entire being. I can never be happy about something without including a ‘but’ with it.

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