When it comes to walls, I’m a masterbuilder. I can put up a wall faster than most people can blink.
I’m that good.
Throughout this recovery/lifestyle change/whatever else you want to call it — I’ve confronted a lot of these barriers that I’ve built.
And I’ve begun the process of demolition.
But as my wrecking ball swings heavily into the brick, it releases the thoughts and fears that were being protected in the first place. They become vulnerable. And as a result, so do I.
I’ve taken care of my fears like they were my own children. I’ve given them food and shelter, and in some cases encouragement.
And while I’d much rather charge through these walls with all the joy and charisma of the Kool-Aid man, it’s a bit more complex than that.
As the days go by, and my thoughts become clearer and my body gets stronger, I realize exactly how many of these barriers I’ve put in place.
There’s a shitload of them. I mean I’ve got more barriers than Jay Leno has cars.
And it’s not like I can seek them out. They just kind of pop up out of nowhere. Forcing me to think “now, why the hell am I reacting like this?”
The good news is that I’ve become much more analytical during this whole process. The bad news is that I’ve become much more analytical during this whole process.
I tend to overthink sometimes. In some cases it doesn’t take much to swing that wrecking ball, but the chain it’s attached to can get caught up in my self-examination.
I am, after all, a tangly bag of wires. Ask the missus, she’ll tell you.
The sheer amount of “stuff” you uncover when you do something like this constantly amazes me. It’s like unraveling an unending ball of yarn, only it’s all knotted up, and you have to take out each knot as you go… and you don’t know how many knots are there. I mean, it can be maddening,
But at the same time, it can be inspiring. Once you tear down one of these walls, you feel like a million bucks. That is until the next wall you hit. And then you just repeat. Wall after wall until all that’s left is rubble.
Sweet, hard-earned, and beautiful rubble.
For those of you who followed this blog prior to today, well you’ve now got more company. A lot more company.
Downsizing, a 6-part weekly column I’ve written for CBC Radio began early this morning. It’s spun from this blog. There are fewer swear words and a fancier sound track, but essentially it’s the same kind of documentation.
Isn’t that pretty? Gotta love a URL. I’d shorten it, but… I just got back from a run and… well, I just couldn’t be bothered. Blame the interwebz.
So, people from all over the country can now read the transcript online and or hear it on their respective CBC Radio Morning Shows.
So that’s why there are so many new folks here. Hi guys. Can I get anyone a coffee? Tea? Biscuit?
In all seriousness — welcome aboard. And thanks so much for all of the support and kindness you’ve shown me. It really does do a heart good.