Weight Loss: Falling Down And Standing Up Again (and again)

 

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Friends, I have fallen.

Fallen into the same trap.

Shame flooded my body

Like a river undamned.

Like rumours running rampant in an office.

Like whispers in a canyon.

 

Friends, I have failed you.

Furiously filling my body with foul poison.

I’ve let it nip at my mind.

I’ve made contact with my inner child

And he tells me,

We are not to speak anymore.

 

Friends, I have slipped.

Once, I thought I was invincible.

Walking with the weight of the world

Firmly pressed against my shoulders,

Calves and quads flexing ‘neath the strain

Sinister smile plastered across my face.

 

Friends, I am guilty.

There are days I wish I were a farmer.

Hands and heart hardened by the earth

From the constant working of the soil.

These new leaves wouldn’t be so heavy to turn

If I had learned to toil the land a little longer.

 

Friends, I am sorry.

I have let you down.

You, who have followed my words

You, who have said “that’s me”

You, who have been inspired

You, who have been thankful.

 

I write this for you.

 

 

Friends, I have turned it around.

I have taken the leaf by the veins,

Torn it from the earth,

And point blank pinned it properly to its back.

Like some sort of aging wrestler

Standing tall without the aid of a turnbuckle.

 

Friends, I have made changes.

My passwords tell me each day

That I have the power to make it.

I have surrounded myself with love.

Not the kind of love you see on television

But the kind that comes from inside.

 

Friends, health comes from perseverance.

And while there are days I want to signal silently surgeons

To staple my stomach shut and just be fucking done with it.

I know that eventually I will live happier

With the learning that comes from falling.

And the strength that comes from standing up again.

 

Friends, I am on the path again.

My boots firmly tightened about my ankles.

My smile pleasantly plastered upon my face.

I am the damn that holds the river.

I alone control the flood water.

And my aim is to always remain bone dry.

 

Thank you.

10 thoughts on “Weight Loss: Falling Down And Standing Up Again (and again)

  1. We are our own worst critics Dave. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are human like the rest of us and subject to the foibles and follies of the human condition the same as all others.
    You tried, you failed to reach your goal, …but along the way you lost a humongous amount of weight and know what it takes to get it off and keep it off. You are wiser now. Going public at the outset seemed a good idea at the time but, probably wasn’t such a good idea…it put a big mortgage on your soul that cost you in meeting the monthly payments. Yet, month by month some of looking in, and having the same weight problem, followed your progress and were inspired by the outcome. We were cheering for you and are still here to cheer you on. Things change, we change with them. Your admission takes away a lot of external pressure that you didn’t need, and now you can go on silently doing what is best for you and no longer beating yourself up over perceived setbacks.
    It’s time now for you to hold you head high, and come away with a new perspective gained by this painful experience.
    A big shout-out for you being forthright, honest, and humble and we all learn from this.

  2. You make me smile! The destination is not the goal. The journey is! You have always been on the path, even if you felt you were not, for the falling down is the most learning part of the journey! Stay happy!

  3. I am currently, and finally, in a treatment program to help me with my illness. It is 4 days a week. This wednesday I just couldn’t force myself to go. I fell, I failed myself, I felt terrible. But I went back on Thursday and am determined to go back Monday. We have to remember that to fall is not a failure. It’s just another part of the journey. Besides, if it was easy then anyone could do it.

  4. Whether in a state of falling down or standing up, you are an amazing human being and continue to be an inspiration to those of us who read everything you write. God bless.

  5. Hey. Love reading these thoughtful comments, yours, and those of the people who follow your blog, This journey is about so much more than losing weight. It’s about learning to love ourselves, unconditionally, even when we fall flat on our faces. In fact, it’s about learning to love ourselves, especially, when we fall flat on our faces.

    It’s easier for me to love myself, when I am acting as my own best friend, taking care of myself by only putting things into my body that I know are healthy, but when, for whatever reason, I’m NOT acting in my OWN best interests, it’s easier for me to loathe myself, berate myself, kick myself, when I’m already down. I sometimes wonder if it’s not a part of the dis-ease of compulsive eating behaviours. If I beat the shit out of myself some more, I’ll eventually feel the need to self-soothe, and that, in it’s own sick little way, is giving my compulsion more ammo to continue doing what is clearly NOT in my best interests.

    Picking up my substance of choice (in my case, it’s sugar) is akin to any addict giving into that craving to have “just one more” (fill in the blank). Falling down doesn’t mean you’ve failed yourself or certainly anyone else. It simply means you went back to the old familiar “script” for a bit. We’re human and we all fall down sometimes. The main thing is to keep on getting back up! You are a tower of love, light, compassion and strength. It doesn’t get much better than that! Congratulations on your commitment to loving yourself, unconditionally, a huge milestone!

  6. Definitely not feeling let down Dave, it’s the opposite. Showing us you’re not some face on a weight loss products website who “easily reached their goal with this special program” makes me feel more ok with being human, and having a myriad of failures myself. Never change buddy, you are as genuine as it gets!

  7. Dave, you have not let anyone down and your poetry is awesome! We all slip at times but the winners get up and do it again and we are all winners. The losers unfortunately we don’t get to hear from as much. Tonight I watched a little of the Olympics and a rather dumb CBC interviewer talking to a young Canadian girl who had just come in 4th in the 800 meter (I think) race, who had lost by a stride about 13/100th of a minute! At least she was brave enough to say it sucks to lose at this point but se did say I will be back– the mark of a true champion! And I beleive you are a lot like her– keep up your struggles my friend.

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